Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
