Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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