Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Can you bring me the toilet please
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
