also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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