Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
