True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
