I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I have post one night stand depression
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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