Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize