Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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