my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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