im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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