i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How does one acquire holy water?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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