I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
