You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
