i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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