Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
