I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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