Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
