haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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