My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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