The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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