You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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