I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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