i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
