What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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