Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
