My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
