today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
