The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
