She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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