What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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