She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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