If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
