Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
