I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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