and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
