I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
