Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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