Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
