the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
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