Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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