did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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