I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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