I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
