I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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