Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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