life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
