it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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