hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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