I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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