Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
