I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
These tits shall not be calmed
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
