I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
