He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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