If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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