sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
