I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
