My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
