just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize