My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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