I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
