You smell like stripper and shame
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
