Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
