I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
