She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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