It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
