I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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