an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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