the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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