i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
