i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
