so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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