does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
